The Gospel Of Jestus Comic

© 2000 Tim Simmons

The Birth of Jestus Comic

1 This is how the birth of Jestus Comic came about: His mother Margaret was pledged to be married to George, but before they had sex, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit of Humor. ² Because George her husband was a serious man, lacking humor, and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he wanted to divorce her quietly.

³ But after he had considered this, a comic of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “George son of Bush, son of Michael, son of Boy, son of Washington, son of the Jungle, take your wife – please! What is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit of Humor. ⁴ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jestus, because he will save his people from their seriousness.”

⁵ All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through Sarah:

⁶ “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”

⁷And the comic of the Lord spoke again to George saying “They will call him Impiyana”—which means, “God, that’s funny.” This was done so that the prophecy might be fulfilled:

“He will yet fill your mouth with laughter

and your lips with shouts of joy.”

⁸ When George woke up, he obeyed the comic of the Lord and took Margaret home as his wife. ⁹ But they refrained from having sex until she gave birth. And he gave him the name Jestus.

The Visit of the Humorists

2 After Jestus was born in Nob, during the time of King Hardrod, humorists from the east came to Jerusalem ² and asked, “Where is the one who has been born King of the Comics? We saw the nose in the east and have come to learn from him.”

³ When King Hardrod heard this he passed gas, and all Jerusalem with him. ⁴ When he had called together all the people’s chief humorists and teachers of the punch line, he asked them where the Comic was to be born. ⁵ “In Nob,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written:

“‘This day they will halt at Nob’”

⁶This was referring to the humorists.

⁷ Then Hardrod summoned the humorists secretly and found out from them the exact time the nose had appeared. ⁸ He sent them to Nob and said, “Go and find the child and as soon as you find him, report to me, so that I too may go and learn humor from him.”

⁹ So they went on their way, and the nose they had seen in the east floated ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. This also was done to fulfill the saying:

“Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon

looking toward Damascus.”

¹⁰ When they saw the nose, they were overjoyed. ¹¹ On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Margaret, and they bowed down and applauded him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with a cushion made from sheepskin which made an awful sound when compressed, a false nose and mustache, a noisy shaker and many scrolls containing humorous sayings by their chief comic, Confucious. ¹² And having been warned in a dream not to go back to Hardrod, they returned to their country by another route.

John the Humorist Prepares the Way

3 In those days John the Humorist came, telling jokes in the Desert of Judea ² and saying, “A humorous event occurred on the way from Jerusalem.” ³ This is he who was spoken of by the Psalmist:

“He says to himself, ‘Nothing will shake me;

I’ll always be happy and never have trouble.’”

⁴ John’s clothes were made of rat’s hair, he wore ropes around his waist and his sandals were four sizes too big. His food was worms and tree bark. ⁵ People went out to him from Jerusalem and all Judea and the whole region of the Jordan. ⁶ Confessing their seriousness, they were humorized by him near the Jordan River.

⁷ But when he saw many of the Solemites and Sad-Uces coming to where he was humorizing, he said to them: “You brood of hecklers! Who warned you to flee from the boos and hisses? ⁸ Produce comedy that’s worthy of laughter. ⁹ And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Aristophanes as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Aristophanes. ¹⁰ The tomato is already in hand, and every one who does not produce good humor will be pummeled!

¹¹ “I humorize you with jokes for good health and long life. But after me will come one who is funnier than I, whose fake nose I am not worthy to wear. He will humorize you with the Holy Spirit of Humor and with sight gags. ¹² His rubber chicken is in his hand, and he will bring down the temple with his humor.”

The Humorizing of Jestus

¹³ Then Jestus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be humorized by John. ¹⁴ But John tried to deter him, saying, “You are the King of Humor, and do you come to me for material?”

¹⁵ Jestus replied, “Let it be so for now; it is proper and I might be able to use this in my routine someday.” Then John consented.

¹⁶ As soon as Jestus was humorized, he went out into the water. At that moment heaven was opened. ¹⁷ And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, who is very funny; with his jokes I am well pleased.” Then, while Jestus was looking into heaven, a dove flew over him and covered his face with its droppings.

Jestus Begins to Joke

¹⁸ When Jestus heard that John had been imprisoned for one of his fat jokes, he returned to Jerusalem.

¹⁹ From that time on Jestus began to say, “Laugh, for the kingdom of humor is near.”

Then a great crowd of people including some Moabites and Ammonites followed him to the sea of Galilee and he began his routine saying, “Take my life – please!” but no one laughed. ²⁰He continued to joke saying, “A camel walks into the temple and asks for a drink. The priest says, ‘Why do you have such a big hump?’” And the people began to grow restless and murmur against him saying, “He is not funny.” ²¹They hissed and took up tomatoes to throw at him. He said unto them, “Let he who is ever witty cast the first tomato!” They began throwing the tomatoes and spitting on Jestus. ²²This happened so that the prophesies would be fulfilled:

“I have heard the insults of Moab

and the taunts of the Ammonites”

and also

^“They detest me and keep their distance;

they do not hesitate to spit in my face.”

The Temptation of Jestus

²³ Jestus, dejected, returned from the sea of Galilee and was led by the Spirit of Humor in the desert, ²⁴ where for thirty nine days he refined his sense of humor. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry. Then, Jestus began to question his ministry.

²⁵ Jestus argued with himself, “If you are the King of Humor, make this stone laugh.”

²⁶ Jestus answered himself, “It is written: ‘Sorrow is better than laughter.’”

²⁷ Jestus argued with himself again, “If you are the King of Humor, why do you feel so melancholy at the end of every show?”

²⁸ Jestus answered himself again, “It is written: ‘Even in laughter the heart may ache,

and joy may end in grief.’”

²⁹ Then Jestus went back to Jerusalem and climbed up onto the highest point of the temple as crowds of people gathered below. He knew that this would be the turning point in his ministry of humor. ³⁰With his arms held high in the air, he made one last attempt to convince himself that his was not a destiny of laughter. “If you are the King of Humor,” he said, “throw yourself down from here then stand up and brush the dust off as if nothing happened.”

³¹ Jestus answered himself aloud, “It is written: ‘He protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.’”

³² When Jestus had convinced himself of his destiny, he flung himself from the top of the temple. All the people screamed and moved out of the way and Jestus did crash into the dirt. He lay there unmoving as the throng gathered close. Then suddenly Jestus jumped up and yelled “Surprise!” to which the crowd roared in laughter. He shook the dust from his clothing and from that time forward he began to amaze them with clever sayings.

The Calling of the First Disciples

³³ As Jestus was strolling beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Groucho and his brother Harpo. They were sitting on the shore looking very grim, for they were not happy at heart. ³⁴ “Come, follow me,” Jestus said, “and I will make you funny among men.” ³⁵ At once they got up and followed him.

³⁶ Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, Chico son of Onyer and his brother Zeppo. They were in a boat with their father Onyer, preparing their nets. Jestus called them, ³⁷ and immediately as they left the boat, it capsized with their father in it and they followed him. ³⁸ The next day Jestus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Shemp, he said to him, “Follow me.” ³⁹ Shemp, like Harpo and Groucho, was from the town of Bethsaida. ⁴⁰ Shemp found Nathaniel and told him, “We have found the one Hennius wrote about in the Material, and about whom the comics also wrote—Jestus of Nob, the son of George.” ⁴¹ “Nob! Can anything funny come from there?” Nathaniel asked. “Come and see,” said Shemp. ⁴² When Jestus saw Nathaniel approaching, he said of him, “It is good to see you, Nathaniel. That means you are not behind me.” ⁴³ “How do you know me?” Nathaniel asked. Jestus answered, “I never forget a face… but in your case I will make an exception.” ⁴⁴ Then Nathaniel declared as he chuckled, “Rabbi, you are the Son of Silliness; you are the King of Humor.” ⁴⁵ Jestus said, “You believe because I told a snappy one-liner. You shall hear more hilarious things than that.” ⁴⁶ He then added, “I tell you the truth, you shall see heaven open, and the comics of God jesting with the Son of Silliness.”

Jestus Changes Water to Vinegar

4 On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jestus’ mother was there, ² and Jestus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. ³ When the wine was gone, Jestus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.”

⁴ “Dear woman,” Jesus replied. “who has rattled your cage?”

⁵ His mother said to the servants, “And I carried him for nine months to put up with this?”

⁶ Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

⁷ Jestus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim.

⁸ Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”

They did so, ⁹ and the master of the banquet tasted the water and immediately spat it out onto the servants saying, “Why have you served me vinegar? Who is responsible for this?” They replied, “Jestus.” ¹⁰Then Jestus spoke to his disciples saying, “Let us leave in haste.” And they fled from there.

¹¹ This, the first of his practical jokes, Jestus performed at Cana in Galilee. He thus revealed his zaniness, and his disciples laughed a lot.

Jestus Gives Hope To The Humorless

¹² Large crowds from Galilee, the Decapolis, Jerusalem, Judea and the region across the Jordan followed him as he expounded on his concept of humor, which was new to their ears.

The Training of His Disciples

5 Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and his disciples followed him and he began to teach them, saying:

² “Blessed are the funny in spirit,

for theirs is the kingdom of humor.

³ Blessed are those who frown,

for they will be tickled.

⁴ Blessed are the dense,

for they will laugh at anything.

⁵ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for good humor,

for they will pay well.

⁶ Blessed are the sight gags,

for they will resurrect a dead routine.

⁷ Blessed are the wholesome jokes,

for they will appeal to a wider audience.

⁸ Blessed are the pie makers,

for they will be called sons of God.

⁹ Blessed are those who are heckled because of their routine,

for theirs is the kingdom of humor.

¹⁰ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and claim you are not funny. ¹¹ Rejoice and be glad, because great is your applause in heaven, for in the same way they heckled the comics who were before you.

The Fulfillment of the Material

¹² “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Material or the Comics; I have not come to abolish them but to make fun of them. ¹³ I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Material until everyone has laughed. ¹⁴ Anyone who tells one of the least of these jokes wrong and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of humor, but whoever practices and teaches these jokes will be called great in the kingdom of humor. ¹⁵ For I tell you that unless your comedy surpasses that of the Solemites and the teachers of the material, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of humor.

Prayer

¹⁶ “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their applause in full. ¹⁷ But when you pray, go into your room, close the door, put on your fake nose and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you with hilarious punch lines. ¹⁸ And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like the serious, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ¹⁹ Do not be like them, for your Father knows what your routine needs before you ask him.

²⁰ “This, then, is how you should pray:

”‘Our Father in heaven,

funny be your name,

²¹ your kingdom come,

your routine be done

on earth as it is in heaven.

²² Give us today our daily laugh.

²³ Forgive us our stale jokes,

as we also have forgiven others.

²⁴ And lead us not into plagiarism,

but deliver us from stealing material from others and claiming it as our own.

For yours is the hilarity and the humor and the comedy forever. Hahahahaha.’

Do Not Worry, Be Happy

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your routine, what you will say or do; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not spontaneity more important than a strict script, and the presentation more important than clothes? ²⁶ Who of you by worrying can add a single joke to his repertoire?

Judging Others

6 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others’ routines, yours will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s act and pay no attention to the plank in your own show? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your act,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own show? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own show, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s act.

A Tree and Its Fruit

⁶ “Watch out for false comics. They come to you in silly clothing, but inwardly they are very somber. ⁷ By their jokes you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ⁸ Likewise every good comic tells good jokes, but a bad comic tells bad jokes. ¹⁸ A good comic cannot tell bad jokes, and a bad comic cannot tell good jokes. ⁹ Every comic who does not tell good jokes is heckled and pummeled with tomatoes. ¹⁰ Thus, by their jokes and red stains you will recognize them.

¹¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Have you heard the one about…’ will enter the kingdom of humor, but only he who tells the jokes of my Father who is in heaven. ¹² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not act silly in your name, and in your name tell many jokes and perform many outrageous acts?’ ¹³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never once laughed. Away from me, you serious imposters!’

The Wise and Foolish Builders

¹⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these jokes of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ¹⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ¹⁶ But everyone who hears these jokes of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house out of ice cream. ¹⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it melted.”

¹⁸ When Jestus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, ¹⁹ because he taught as one who had true humor, and not as their teachers of the material.

The Man with Leprosy

7 When he came down from the mountainside, large crowds followed him. ² A serious man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me laugh.”

³ Jestus reached out his hand and goosed the man. “Ha ha! I am willing,” he said. “Laugh!” Immediately the man began giggling and then he started laughing loudly where all could hear and he was cured of his leprosy. ⁴ Then Jestus said to him, “See that you don’t tell anyone. But go, show yourself to the high comic and tell him that his sandals are untied and when he looks down, flick his nose with your finger.”

The Faith of the Centurion

⁵ When Jestus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. ⁶ “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home depressed and in a terrible seriousness.”

⁷ Jestus said to him, “I will go and humor him.”

⁸ The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you tell jokes under my roof. But just say the joke to me, and my servant will be healed. ⁹ For I myself am a man under authority, with comedians under me. I tell this one, ‘Be funny,’ and he is; and that one, ‘Make them laugh,’ and he does. I say to my servant, ‘Quit stealing my material,’ and he quits it.”

¹⁰ When Jestus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. ¹¹ Then Jestus said to the centurion, “What do you get when you cross a camel with a Solemite?” And the centurion said, “I do not know.” Then Jestus said, “A hairy beast whose breath is funnier than his routine!” And his servant was healed at that very hour.

Jestus Humors Many

¹² When Jestus came into Groucho’s house, he saw Groucho’s mother-in-law lying in bed with a bad temper. ¹³ He danced around with his arms flailing and jabbering in a silly tongue and making hilarious faces and the bad temper left her, and she got up and began to wait on him.

The Cost of Following Jestus

¹⁴ When Jestus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. ¹⁵ Then a teacher of the material came to him and said, “Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.”

¹⁶ Jestus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Silliness has no place to rehearse his act.”

¹⁷ Another disciple said to him, “Lord, first let me go and joke with my father.”

¹⁸ But Jestus told him, “Follow me, and let the humorless joke with their own fathers.”

Jestus Calms the Storm

¹⁹ Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁰ Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jestus was below, working on some new material. ²¹ The disciples went and interrupted him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

²² He laughed and replied, “You of little originality, why are your jokes so stale?” Then they replied, “We are not joking!” Jestus then said, “Oh.” Then he went above and told jokes to the winds and the waves, and immediately the wind and waves laughed and then it was completely calm.

²³ The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of comic is this? Even the winds and the waves laugh at his jokes!”

The Healing of Two Demon-possessed Men

²⁴ When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men coming from the tombs met him. They were so somber and grave that no one could make them laugh. ²⁵ “What do you want with us, Son of Silliness?” they shouted. “Have you come here to tickle us before the appointed time?”

²⁶ Some distance from them a large group of chickens was feeding. ²⁷ The demons begged Jestus, “If you make us laugh and drive us away, send us into the chickens.”

²⁸ He said to them, “Knock Knock!” The demon-possessed men asked, “Who’s there?” Then Jestus said, “Who.” The men asked, “Who who?” Then Jestus said, “What are you, owls?” ²⁹ And immediately the two demon-possessed men began chuckling so hard that the demons of seriousness shot from them like a bolt of lightening. ³⁰ So they came out and went into the chickens, and all of the chickens rushed toward the two men and attacked them, pecking and clawing at them and the men screamed and ran off. ³¹ Those tending the chickens ran off, went into the town and reported all this, including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. ³² Then the whole town went out to meet Jestus who had been standing on his head for the span of one hour. And when they saw him, they pelted him with eggs and Jestus fled.

Jestus Heals a Paralytic

8 Jestus stepped into a boat, crossed over and came to his own town. ² Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jestus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Take heart, son; your lack of humor is forgiven.”

³ At this, some of the teachers of the material said to themselves, “This fellow is serious!”

⁴ Knowing their thoughts, Jestus said, “Why do you entertain evil thoughts in your hearts when you could be entertaining the people with jokes? ⁵ Which is easier: to say, ‘Your lack of humor is forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Abbigabbioondabihffhfhf’? ⁶ But so that you may know that the Son of Silliness has authority on earth to forgive seriousness....” Then he said to the paralytic, “Get up, take your mat and take a bath too, if you do not mind. Whoowee!” ⁷ And the man laughed out loud and got up and went home. ⁸ When the crowd saw this, they were filled with awe; and they praised God, who had given such humor to men.

Jestus Questioned About Sight Gags

⁹ Then Zeppo’s disciples came and asked him, “How is it that we and the Solemites avoid a cheap sight gag, but your disciples do not?”

¹⁰ Jestus answered, “It is because we are wild and crazy comedians!” And Jestus threw a pie and did hit Zeppo’s disciple in the face.

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman

¹¹ After he said this, a ruler came and knelt before him and said, “My daughter has just died.” And Jestus said, “Well, what do you want me to do about it?” The ruler said, “But come and whisper something funny to her, and she will live.” ¹² Jestus jumped up laughing and went with him, and so did his disciples.

¹³ Just then a woman who had been subject to a bleeding hemorrhoid for thirteen years came up behind him and touched the head of his rubber chicken. ¹⁴ She said to herself, “If I only touch his rubber chicken, I will be healed.”

¹⁵ Jestus turned and saw her. “Laugh heartily, my daughter,” he said, “your humor has healed you.” And the woman rolled on the ground in great spasms of belly laughs and was healed from that moment.

¹⁶ When Jestus entered the ruler’s house and saw the flute players, jugglers and the amateur comics, ¹⁷ he said, “Get back, Jack. This girl is not dead but bored out of her mind!” But they scorned him. ¹⁸ After the comics had been put outside, he went in and took the girl by the hand, and whispered a joke in her ear saying, “Three elderly Sad-Uces were talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old Sad-Uce said, ‘I have a problem. I wake up every morning at the first hour and it does take me twenty minutes to urinate.’ ¹⁹ The eighty-year old Sad-Uce said, ‘My problem is worse. I get up at the first hour and I sit and do grunt and groan for half of an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.’ ²⁰ The ninety-year old Sad-Uce said, ‘At the first hour I urinate like unto a horse and at the second hour I have a bowel movement like that of a cow.’ ‘Then what is your problem?’ asked the others. ‘I do not wake up until the third hour.’ ²¹ When the girl heard this, she burst into tears laughing so hard that she got up totally healed. ²⁵ News of this spread through all that region.

Jestus Heals the Blind and Mute

²⁶ As Jestus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, “Have mercy on us, Son of Silliness!”

²⁷ When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, “Do you believe that I am able to be funny?”

“Yes, Lord,” they replied.

²⁸ Then he placed a fake nose and mustache on both of them and said, “According to your faith will it be done to you”; ²⁹ Then Jestus put his hand up to his mouth and blew, making the sound of passing gas and they laughed at the sound and their sight was restored and then upon seeing each other, they fell down and rolled with hysterical laughter. Jestus warned them sternly, “See that no one knows about this. They may try to steal my material.” ³⁰ But they went out and spread the news about him all over that region.

The Comedians Are Few

9 Jestus went through all the towns and villages, joking in their synagogues, preaching the good humor of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. ² When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were humorless and serious. ³ Then he sighed and said to his disciples, “The audience is plentiful but the comics are few. ⁴ Ask the Lord of the audience, therefore, to send out comedians into his audience. And pray that they have a poor tomato crop this year!”

Woe on Humorless Cities

⁵ Then Jestus began to denounce the cities in which most of his jokes had been told, because they did not laugh. ⁶ “Woe to you, Korazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! If the one-liners that were told in you had been told in Tyre and Sidon, they would have laughed long ago with tears and the catching of breath. ⁷ But I tell you, it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon on the day of hilarity than for you. ⁸ And you, Capernaum, will you be seeing my act anytime soon? No, you will have to travel far to catch my show. If the jokes that were told in you had been told in Sodom, it would have been hilarious to this day. ⁹ But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of hilarity than for you.”

Rest for the Serious

¹⁰ At that time Jestus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of humor and farce, because you have hidden these funny things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to me.

¹¹ Yes, Father, for this was your good humor.

¹² “All jokes have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the routine except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Comic and those to whom the Comic chooses to amuse.

¹³ “Come to me, all you who are serious and humorless, and I will give you wit.

¹⁴ Take my joke upon you and learn from me, for I am funny and humorous in heart, and you will find mirth for your souls. ¹⁵ For my joke is funny and my humor is light.”

The Sign of Burle

¹⁶ Then some of the Solemites and teachers of the material said to him, “Teacher, we want to hear a dirty joke from you.”

¹⁷ He answered, “A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a dirty joke! But none will be given it except the joke of the comedian Burle. ¹⁸ For as Burle was three days and three nights getting heckled and pounded with tomatoes and yet had the last laugh, so the Son of Silliness will be three days and three nights getting heckled by the demons of seriousness in the center of the earth. ¹⁹ The men of Nunyah will stand up at the final show with this generation and boo it; for they laughed at the act of Burle, and now one funnier than Burle is here.

The One-Liners

²⁰ That same day Jestus went out of the house and sat by the lake. ²¹ Such large crowds gathered to glimpse a gag or hear a joke that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore eating and drinking. ²² This was to fulfill the prophecy:

“The people of Judah and Israel were as numerous as the sand on the seashore; they ate, they drank and they were happy.”

²³ Then he told them many jokes, saying: “Hey, what a crowd! Did you hear the one about the Solemite who went elephant hunting and died from exhaustion while dragging the decoy? ²⁴ Or how about the Solemite who was so skinny that he built a ship-in-a-bottle without any special tools? Or maybe the one about the Sad-Uce who was so ugly that he frightened blind children? ²⁵ What about the Philistine who had three children – one of each? Or what about the Amalekite who was so poor he couldn’t pay attention?”

²⁶ He who has ears, let him hear.” And the roar of laughter could be heard over all Jerusalem which fulfilled the prophecy:

“Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.”

²⁷ The disciples came to him and asked, “Why do you tell so many one-liners?”

²⁸ He replied, “These knuckleheads are so dense and so serious that they are not able to understand more than one line at a time. ²⁹ This is why I tell so many one-liners:

‘Though seeing, they do not see;

though hearing, they do not hear or understand.’

³⁰ In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:

‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.’

³¹ But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. ³² For I tell you the truth, many comics and funny men longed to see the routine you just saw but did not see it, and to hear the jokes you just heard but did not hear them.

The Joke About The Home Life

33 Jestus told them another joke: A teacher of the material spoke to a doctor saying, ‘I am having
 trouble being intimate at home.’ The doctor said, ‘Reduce your weight by 20

 pounds and run 10 miles each day for two weeks.
’ 34 Two weeks later, the teacher called the doctor, ‘Doctor, I reduced my weight by 20 pounds
 and I have been running 10 miles each day.’  The doctor asked him, ‘How is your home life now?’
 The teacher replied, ‘I do not know.  I am 140 miles from home!’  

³⁵ Jestus told all these jokes to the crowd; he did not use any material that was borrowed from another comic. ³⁶ So was fulfilled what was spoken through the comic:

“I will utter things hidden since the creation of the

world.”

The Joke About The Home Life Explained

³⁷ Then he left the crowd and went into the house. His disciples came to him and said, “Explain to us the joke about the home life.”

³⁸ He answered with a sigh saying, “He who has ears, let him hear! See, the teacher kept running farther from his home each day instead of running in a circle near his home.” Then his disciples understood and began to laugh.

A Comedian Without Honor

³⁹ When Jestus had finished his routine, he moved on from there. ⁴⁰ Coming to his hometown, he began joking with the people in their synagogue, and they were amazed. “Where did this man get this wit and these funny one-liners?” they asked. ⁴¹ “Isn’t this the carpenter’s son? Isn’t his mother’s name Margaret, and aren’t his brothers Chico, Joseph, Curly and Festus? ⁴² Aren’t all his sisters with us? Where then did this man get all these jokes?” ⁴³ And they took offense at him.

⁴⁴ But Jestus said to them, “I tell you, only in his hometown does a comic get no respect at all.”

⁴⁵ And he did not tell many jokes there because of their lack of humor.

John the Humorist Beheaded

10 At that time Herod the tetrarch heard the reports about Jestus, ² and he said to his court comedians, “This is John the Humorist; he has risen from the dead! That is why hilarious spirits are at work in him.”

³ Now Herod had arrested John and bound him and put him in prison because of one joke he made about Herod being so fat that his shadow weighed seventy five pounds.

⁴ The king being embarrassed before his royal court comics had John beheaded in prison. ⁵ His head was brought and put on display for all the other comics to see as a warning. ⁶ John’s disciples came and took his body and buried it. Then they went and told Jestus.

Jestus Performs For Five Thousand

⁷ When Jestus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. ⁸ When Jestus landed and saw a large crowd, he seized the opportunity to try out his latest material.

⁹ As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a remote place, and you’ve been telling jokes for over four hours. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

¹⁰ Jestus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

¹¹ Mo replied, “Hey, that’s a good one!”

¹² Jestus answered sternly, “I was not joking.”

¹³ “Oh. But we have here only three loaves of bread, two raw fish and a partridge that fell from a pear tree.”

¹⁴ “Bring them here to me, oh ye of poor timing and I will show you what a little humor can do.” he said. ¹⁵ And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the three loaves of bread, the two raw fish and the dead partridge and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and said, “Folks, the neighborhood where I grew up was so impoverished, the rainbow was in black and white.” ¹⁶ All the people laughed so hard that they forgot their hunger. Then Jestus ate one of the loaves, gave the other two to his disciples and threw the fish and partridge into the woods. They then left the people and headed for the boat.

Jestus Walks on the Water

¹⁷ Immediately Jestus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side. ¹⁸ He then went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, ¹⁹ but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

²⁰ During the fourth watch of the night Jestus went out to them, dancing on the lake and making strange sounds. ²¹ When the disciples saw him dancing on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

²² But Jestus immediately yelled to them: “Loosen up! It is I. Do not be afraid.”

²³ “Lord, if it’s you,” Groucho replied, “tell me a funny joke.”

²⁴ “Very well. You are so ugly that on the day you were born, the midwife slapped your mother.” he said.

²⁵ After Groucho recovered from his intense laughing, he got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jestus. ²⁶ But when he saw the wind, his sense of humor left him and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”

²⁷ Immediately Jestus told him another joke and he walked again on the water. “You of little humor,” he said, “why did you become so serious?”

²⁸ And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ²⁹ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of Silliness.”

³⁰ When they had crossed over, they landed at the Great Depression, a place notorious for its sadness. ³¹ And when the men of that place recognized Jestus, they sent word to all the surrounding country. People brought all their humorless to him ³² and begged him to let the somber just touch the edge of his cloak, and all who touched him were healed.

Clean and Unclean

11 Then some Solemites and teachers of the material came to Jestus from Jerusalem and asked, ² “Why do your disciples break the tradition of the elders? They do not take an intermission during their show!”

³ Jestus replied, “And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your act? ⁴ For God said, ‘Touch no unclean thing!’ and ‘My lips will not speak wickedness.’ ⁵ But you tell jokes about the male member and about the girls you once knew. ⁶ You hypocrites! Hennius was right when he prophesied about you:

⁷ ‘Jerusalem has become

an unclean thing among them.’

⁸ And Isaiah also foretold the perverted comedy acts of the Solemites when he said:

⁹ ‘All of us have become like one who is unclean,

and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags’

and

‘I live among a people of unclean lips’”

¹⁰ Jestus called the crowd to him and said, “Listen up. ¹¹ What goes into a man’s mouth does not make him ‘unclean,’ but the tasteless jokes that come out of his mouth, that is what makes him ‘unclean.’”

¹² Then the disciples came to him and asked, “Do you know that the Solemites were offended when they heard this?”

¹³ He replied, “No, but if you hum a few bars, I might be able to fake it.”

¹⁴ Groucho said, “Explain that joke to us.”

¹⁵ “Are you still so dull?” Jestus asked them with a sigh. ¹⁶ “When someone asks you a question such as “Do you know such and such..”, then you act as if they are asking you if you know a song by the name of ‘such and such’. Then you say the punch line. Goes over big with lute players.’”

The Faith of the Canaanite Woman

¹⁷ Leaving that place, Jestus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. ¹⁸ A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of Silliness, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from seriousness.”

¹⁹ Jestus ignored her. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps asking to hear something funny.”

²⁰ He answered, “I was sent only to the humorless of Israel.”

²¹ The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, humor me!” she said.

²² He replied, “I don’t feel very funny right now.”

²³ “Yes, Lord,” she said, “but even your seriousness is more humorous than my joking.”

²⁴ Then Jestus answered, “True. Very well, your request is granted.” He told one joke and her daughter was healed from that very hour.

The Demand For A Dirty Joke

12 The Solemites and Sad-Uces came to Jestus and tested him by asking him to tell them a dirty joke from heaven.

² He replied, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you at least four hundred and eighty-two times. ³ A wicked and adulterous generation looks for a dirty joke, but none will be given it except the joke of Burle.” Jestus then stuck out his tongue at them and skipped away.

Groucho’s Confession of The Comic

⁴ When Jestus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say the Son of Silliness is?”

⁵ They replied, “Some say John the Humorist; others say Aristophanes; and still others, Burle or one of the comics.”

⁶ “But what about you?” he asked. “Who do you say I am?”

⁷ Groucho answered, “You are the Comic, the Son of the funny God.”

⁸ Jestus replied, “Blessed are you, Groucho son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by any textbook on humor, but by my silly Father in heaven. ⁹ And I tell you that you are Groucho, and on this rock I will build my comedy, and the gates of Grimness will not overcome it! ¹⁰ I will give you the jokes of the kingdom of humor; whatever jokes you tell on earth will be repeated in heaven, and whatever gag you use on earth will be used in heaven.” ¹¹ Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Comic.

Jestus Predicts His Demise

¹² From that time on Jestus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer much heckling at the hands of the elders, chief comics and teachers of the material, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life.

¹³ Groucho took him aside and began to disagree with him. “Lord, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” he said. “This shall never happen to you! Your jokes are too funny!”

¹⁴ Jestus turned and said to Groucho, “Get behind me, Groucho, I think you passed gas! You are a blown punch line to me; a tomato in the face; you do not have in mind the humor of God, but the insults of men.”

¹⁵ Then Jestus said to his disciples, “If anyone would follow my act, he must deny vulgar humor and take up his rubber chicken and follow me. ¹⁶ For whoever wants to save his act will lose it, but whoever loses his act for me will find it. ¹⁷ What good will it be for a comic if he tickles the whole world, yet forfeits his own integrity? Or what can a comic give in exchange for his integrity? ¹⁸ For the Son of Silliness is going to come in his Father’s hilarity with his comics, and then he will reward each person according to what jokes he has told. ¹⁹ I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Silliness joking in his kingdom.”

The Transmogrification

13 After six days Jestus took with him Groucho, Chico and Zeppo the brother of Chico, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. ² There he was transmogrified before them. His face ballooned out like a big boulder, and his eyes became as red as blood. His ears and belly bulged and his nose grew long. ³ Just then there appeared before them Aristophanes and Hennius, just jesting with Jestus.

⁴ Groucho said to Jestus, “Lord, it is good for us to laugh here. If you wish, I will build three stages—one for you, one for Aristophanes and one for Hennius.”

⁵ While he was still speaking, a puff of red smoke enveloped them, and a voice from the smoke said, “Pay no attention to those men behind the temple curtain. This is my goofy Son, whom I laugh at; with his humor I am well tickled. Laugh at him!”

⁶ When the disciples heard this, they fell to the ground, breathless with laughter. ⁷ But Jestus came and touched them. “Get up,” he said. “You are overdoing it!” ⁸ When they looked up, they saw Jestus wearing his nose and mustache.

⁹ As they were coming down the mountain, Jestus instructed them, “Don’t tell anyone what you have seen, until the Son of Silliness has been raised from the dead.”

The Healing of a Boy With No Humor

¹⁰ When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jestus and knelt before him.

¹¹ “Lord, have mercy on my solemn son,” he said. “He is so serious and is suffering greatly. He often frowns all day. I am afraid he has no sense of humor at all. ¹² I brought him to your disciples, but they could not make him smile or even chuckle.”

¹³ “O unbelieving and humorless generation,” Jestus replied as he placed his nose and mustache on, “how long shall I jest with you? How long shall I tell jokes for you? Bring the boy here to me.” ¹⁴ Jestus said, “What does one call a Philistine with half a brain?” But the boy remained mute with a frown on his face. Then Jestus answered saying, “Gifted.” A faint grin slowly appeared on the boy’s face which soon gave way to a smile. Then, he burst into loud laughter and he was healed from that moment.

¹⁵ Then the disciples came to Jestus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we make him laugh?”

¹⁶ He replied, “Because your jokes are stale, boring, dull, predictable, derivative, hackneyed, imitative, clichéd, and trite. And your timing sucks. Remember the first commandment: Timing is everything. I tell you the truth, if your timing was as good as mine, you can say to this mountain, ‘Nice weather we’ve been having.’ and it will laugh. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

¹⁷ When they came together in Galilee, he said to them, “The Son of Silliness is going to be betrayed into the hands of hecklers. ¹⁸ They will heckle him, throw produce, and eventually kill him, and on the third day he will be raised to life.” And the disciples were filled with grief.

The Two-Drink Minimum

¹⁹ After Jestus and his disciples arrived at a comedy show in Capernaum, the collectors of the two-drink minimum came to Groucho and asked, “What will you be drinking? There is a two-drink minimum.”

²⁰ “We will just have water.” he replied.

²¹ When the collectors heard this, they went to tell the overseer of the show. When the overseer came out, he said, “If you do not order a drink, we will have to ask you to leave.”

²² Jestus was the first to speak. “What do you think, Groucho?” he asked. Groucho replied, “Why, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” And they got up and left in the middle of the show.

The Little Children and Jestus

²³ Then little children were brought to Jestus for him to place his fake noses on them and laugh with them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.

²⁴ Jestus said, “Let the little children wear the noses, and do not discourage them, for the kingdom of humor belongs to such as these.” ²⁵ When he had placed his fake noses and mustaches on them, he went on from there.

The Funny Young Comic

²⁶ Now a young comic came up to Jestus and asked, “Teacher, what good joke must I tell to get laughs?”

²⁷ “Why do you ask me about what is funny?” Jestus replied. “There is only One who is funny. If you want to enter the home of hilarity, learn the jokes.”

²⁸ “Which ones?” the man inquired.

Jestus replied, ”Fat jokes, dumb jokes, temple jokes, camel jokes, one-liners, etc.”

²⁹ “All these I have memorized,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

³⁰ Jestus answered, “Timing. And, a good sight gag. Here. Put this on.”

And the man put the fake nose on but he did not find the humor in it and he went away sad, because he had invested great effort in learning the material.

³¹ Then Jestus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a funny comic to be hilarious. ³² Again I tell you, it is easier for a needle to go through the eye of a camel… no, wait. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a funny comic to be truly zany.”

³³ When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be zany?”

³⁴ Jestus drew close to them and whispered, “With average comics this is impossible, but with God all things are zany.”

³⁵ Then Jestus went to the Mount of Zucchini. ³⁶ At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.

³⁷ The teachers of the material and the Solemites brought in a woman caught telling someone else’s jokes. They made her stand before the group ³⁸ and said to Jestus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of plagiarism. ³⁹ In the Material, Hennius commanded us to apply pitch and chicken feathers to such a woman. Now what do you say?” ⁴⁰ They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

⁴¹ But Jestus put on his fake nose, sat down and started to play in the dirt with his rubber chicken. ⁴² When they kept on questioning him, he jumped up and said to them, “If any one of you have never borrowed even one joke from another comic, let him be the first to apply pitch to her.” ⁴³ Again he sat down and played on the ground.

⁴⁴ At this, every man began to apply pitch to the woman, rubbing it all over her, especially to her upper body and midsection. Upon seeing this, Jestus jumped up saying, “Liars! Wicked men! Be gone!” and he did chase away those who had taken advantage of the woman until only Jestus was left, with the woman still standing there. ⁴⁵ Jestus straightened up, removed his nose and mustache and said to her, “Sorry about that. Woman, has no one applied chicken feathers to you?”

⁴⁶ “No one, sir,” she said.

⁴⁷ “Then maybe this will encourage you to keep your material original.” Jestus declared and heaved a pie which did hit the woman in the face. “Go now and steal no more.”

Jestus Again Predicts His Demise

⁴⁸ Now as Jestus was going up to Jerusalem, he took the twelve disciples aside and said to them, ⁴⁹ “I am going to do a show in Jerusalem, and the Son of Silliness will be betrayed to the chief comics and the teachers of the material. They will heckle him and condemn him to death ⁵⁰ and will turn him over to the Gentiles to be heckled again and pummeled with produce and finally, crucified. But on the third day he will have the last laugh!”

Two Hecklers Receive Blindness

⁵¹ As Jestus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him and he began to do a new routine for them. ⁵² Two men were sitting near the front, and when Jestus walked close by, they shouted, “Hey Jestus, what time does the show start?”

⁵³ The crowd told them to be quiet for they could not hear the show, but they shouted all the louder, “Hey, Jestus! How is your intimate life?”

⁵⁴ Jestus stopped in mid-joke and called to them. “How is my intimate life? Why don’t you ask four members of your immediate family?” And the crowd roared with laughter and immediately, the two hecklers were struck with blindness.

⁵⁵ “Lord,” they cried, “we are sorry! We want our sight back.”

⁵⁶ But Jestus said, “Too bad. So sad. Goodbye.” And the two men crawled off on their hands and knees crying loudly and Jestus finished his act.

The Triumphal Entry

14 As they approached Jerusalem and came to Bethphage on the Mount of Zucchini, Jestus sent two disciples, ² saying to them, “Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a bear tied there. Untie it and bring it to me. ³ If anyone says anything to you, tell him that the Lord needs it, and he will send it right back.”

⁴ This took place to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet:

⁵ “For your sake, O my God, do not delay, because your city and your people bear your Name”

⁶ The disciples went and did as Jestus had instructed them. ⁷ They brought the bear, placed their cloaks on it, and Jestus sat on it. ⁸ A very large crowd ran away while others scurried up the trees. ⁹ The crowds that went ahead of him shouted,

“RUN! Run for your lives!”

¹⁰ When Jestus entered Jerusalem, the whole city was stirred and asked, “What show is being put on today?”

¹¹ The crowds answered, “This is Jestus, the comic from Nob in Galilee. He is hilarious.”

Jestus at the Temple

¹² Jestus entered the temple area and listened to one of the Solemites going through his routine. It was very unimaginative and few laughed. So, the Solemite, to keep from being the target of fresh tomatoes, then resorted to a wisecrack about his member and the crowd laughed. Jestus became filled with righteous indignation and cried out, “I tell you the truth, there is nothing like a good joke. And frankly, that was nothing like a good joke!” He then drove out all who were there. He overturned the tables and the benches and kicked the Solemite very hard on the shin. ¹³ “It is written,” he said to them,

”‘I will walk in my house

with blameless heart.

I will set before my eyes

no vile thing.’”

¹⁴ The blind and the lame came to him at the temple, and he healed them. ¹⁵ But when the chief comics and the teachers of the material saw the zany things he did and the children laughing in the temple area, they were jealous.

¹⁶ “Do you know what these children are saying?” they asked him.

“No,” replied Jestus, “but if you hum a few… never mind.”

¹⁷ And he left them and went out of the city to Bethany, where he spent the night.

The Authority of Jestus Questioned

¹⁸ Jestus entered the temple courts, and, while he was joking, the chief comics and the elders of the people came to him. “By what authority are you telling these jokes?” they asked. “And who gave you this authority?”

¹⁹ Jestus replied, “Before I answer, I will also ask you one question. Would you say that your lives are totally worthless or somewhat useful as a medical cadaver?”

²⁰ They discussed it among themselves and said, “If we say, ‘totally worthless’ he will ask, ‘Then why don’t you jump from the temple and end our lives?’ ²¹ But if we say, ‘somewhat useful as a medical cadaver’— he will ask, ‘Then why don’t you jump from the temple and end our lives?’.”

²² So they answered Jestus, “We don’t know.”

²³ Then he said, “Then why don’t you jump from the temple and end your lives?” And he stuck out his tongue and put his hand behind his head and wriggled his fingers.

Poking Fun at Caesar

²⁴ Then the Solemites went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. ²⁵ They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know you are a comic of integrity and that you teach the humor of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by tasteless fads, because you pay no attention to those comics. ²⁶ Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to make jokes about Caesar or not?”

²⁷ But Jestus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You serious hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? ²⁸ Show me a comic who hasn’t made fun of Caesar and I will show you an Israelite who has less than twenty children.”

²⁹ When they heard this, they were amazed. So they left him and went away.

The Greatest Joke

³⁰ Hearing that Jestus had silenced the Solemites, the Sad-Uces got together. ³¹ One of them, an expert in the material, tested him with this question: ³² “Teacher, which is the greatest joke in the Material?”

³³ Jestus replied: ”Who wants to know?” They said, “We do.”

³⁴ Jestus waved his rubber chicken in their faces and spoke saying, ‘Take my wives – please!’ ³⁵ This is the funniest joke. ³⁶ And the second is: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ³⁷ All the Material and the comics hang on these two jokes.”

Signs of the Final Curtain

15 Jestus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. ² “Do you see all these things?” he asked. “I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down.”

³ As Jestus was sitting on the Mount of Zucchini, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the final curtain?”

⁴ Jestus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. ⁵ For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Comic,’ and will deceive many. ⁶ You will hear of wit and rumors of wit, but do not worry. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. ⁷ Comic will rise against comic, and joker against prankster. There will be tasteless jokes and racial slurs, pornographic trash in various places. ⁸ All these are the beginning of weak brains and syndication.

⁹ “Then you will be handed over to be heckled, scorned for your lack of sexual references and profitability and put to death, and you will be hated by all crowds because of me. ¹⁰ At that time many will turn away from the ministry and will become governors and presidents,

¹¹ and many false comics will appear and deceive many people. ¹² Because of the increase of wickedness, the humor of most will grow perverted, ¹³ but he who stands firm to the end will be funny. ¹⁴ And this humor of the kingdom will be told in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the final curtain will come.

¹⁵ “So when you see standup in the holy place and the perversions flowing freely from the false comics, ¹⁶ then let those who are in the crowds flee to the mountains. ¹⁷ How serious it will be in those days! ¹⁸ Pray that your act will not take place in front of fellow comics. ¹⁹ For then there will be great jealousy, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again. ²⁰ If those shows had not been cut short, no one would survive the vulgarities, but for the sake of the true follower of comedy those acts will be shortened. ²¹ At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Comic!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not fall for it. ²² For false comics will appear and tell great jokes and stories to deceive even the true followers—but stand firm and you will be rewarded.

The Plot Against Jestus

16 When Jestus had finished saying all these things, he said to his disciples, ² “As you know, the big show is two days away—and the Son of Silliness will be handed over to be crucified.”

³ Then the chief comics and the elders of the people assembled in the palace of the high comic, whose name was Seinfellius, ⁴ and they plotted to arrest Jestus in some sly way and kill him. ⁵ “But not during the Feast,” they said, “or there may be a riot among the people.”

Skipper Agrees to Betray Jestus

⁶ Then one of the Twelve—the one called Skipper Iscariot—went to the chief comics

⁷ and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I hand him over to you?” They replied, “We’ll let you open up for Harold the Hilarious next Sunday.” So they signed a contract.

⁸ From then on Skipper watched for an opportunity to hand him over.

The Lord’s Supper

⁹ On the first day of the Feast of Unleavened Bread, the disciples came to Jestus and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the Passover?”

¹⁰ He replied, “Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, ‘The Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house.’” ¹¹ So the disciples did as Jestus had directed them and prepared the Passover.

¹² When evening came, Jestus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. ¹³ And while they were eating, he said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.”

¹⁴ They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “You must be joking!”

¹⁵ Jestus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. ¹⁶ The Son of Silliness will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that comic who betrays the Son of Silliness! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

¹⁷ Then Skipper, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely, not I?”

¹⁸ Jestus answered, “Are you trying to be funny? Yes, it is you. Hand? Bowl? Do you need me to diagram it for you? No wonder your jokes were so ineffective. Yes, oh you of the borrowed punch line. You shall be the one. Oh, and don’t call me Shirley.”

¹⁹ While they were eating, Jestus took fake noses and mustaches, gave thanks and gave them to his disciples, saying, “Take and wear; this is my signature gag.”

²⁰ Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, “Drink from it, all of you. ²¹ It tastes really good.”

²² When they had sung a funny limerick, they went out to the temple for Jestus’ final show.

Jestus Predicts Groucho’s Denial

²³ Then Jestus told them, “This very night you will all deny me on account of my act, for it is written:

”‘I will strike the shepherd,

and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.’

²⁴ But after I have risen, I will guide your shows and help your timing.” ²⁵ Groucho replied, “Even if all deny you on account of your act, I never will.”

²⁶ “I tell you the truth,” Jestus answered, “this very night, before you pass gas, you will disown me three times.”

²⁷ But Groucho declared, “Why, that’s the most …. anyway, I will never disown you.” And all the other disciples said the same. They then entered the temple and took seats to wait for Jestus to begin his routine. ²⁹ Curly leaned toward Mo and asked, “What comics are performing this evening?” Mo replied, “There will be two acts. Jestus and some new comic from Ethiopia whose name is Pryorius.” ³⁰ Then Curly asked, “Who’s on first?” Mo said, “Jestus.” Then the chief comic announced Jestus and he appeared before them and began his routine.

Jestus’ Last Show

17 “Hey, what a crowd! Two Solemites rented a boat and went fishing in the sea of Galilee. ² They caught many fish and returned to the shore. The first Solemite said: I hope you remember the spot where we caught those fish. The second Solemite said: Yes, I made a mark on the side of the boat to mark the spot. The first Solemite said: You fool! How do you know we will get the same boat next time?” ³ And the crowd cried out with an uproar of laughter. ⁴ Jestus paused for the laughter to quiet and told another joke, saying “There were two Philistines and they each lived on the opposite side of a river and one Philistine yelled to the other ‘How do you get to the other side?’ The other Philistine answered ‘You are on the other side.’” ⁵ With this, the crowd erupted in laughter and much catching of breath. As the laughing subsided, Jestus continued to humor the people with such wit as they had never heard before. ⁶ “An Amalekite goes to a physician. The physician says to him, ‘You are dying.’ The Amalekite says, ‘I want a second opinion!’ Then the physician says, ‘Very well, you are humorless, too!’” ⁷ Jestus had the crowd rolling on the ground from the humor and wit of his act. ⁸ He continued to jest saying, “A man goes to a physician and tells him ‘Physician, I have hurt my leg in two different places.’ The physician tells the man ‘Stay out of those places.’” ⁹ The crowd burst into hilarious laughter. Jestus knew the time was at hand for the one-liners. ¹⁰ He then took his fake nose and mustache and wore them but he also wore an arrow which did appear to go through his head and spoke saying, “A poor man met me on the way to the temple and said to me, ‘Lord, I have not tasted food in a week.’ I said, ‘Do not worry, it still tastes the same.’ I miss my wives’ cooking -- as often as I can. There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.” ¹¹ Jestus paused briefly then began saying, “Take my wives – please!” ¹² To this, the crowd roared and bellowed with such laughter so that all Jerusalem could hear.

Jestus Arrested

¹³ While he was still delivering his material, Skipper, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with tomatoes and eggs, sent from the chief comics and the elders of the people. ¹⁴ Now the betrayer had arranged to incite the crowd against Jestus by heckling him from within the crowd and by booing. ¹⁵ Skipper yelled out at Jestus saying, “Truly, my mother has told funnier jokes than that!” and “Do not quit your day occupation!” and the crowd was hushed. Then Skipper started to boo and the crowd joined in. Skipper’s men handed out tomatoes and eggs and they started to throw them and yell curses at Jestus.

¹⁶ Jestus pulled at his tunic and said, “Tough crowd.”

¹⁷ Then the men stepped forward, seized Jestus and arrested him. ¹⁸ With that, one of Jestus’ companions reached for his rubber chicken, drew it out and slapped the servant of the high comic, causing his face to turn red.

¹⁹ “Put your chicken back in its place,” Jestus said to him, “for all who misuse the chicken will die by the chicken. ²⁰ Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of comics? ²¹ But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen in this way?”

²² At that time Jestus said to the soldiers, “Am I suddenly antifunny? Nonhumorous? Hardly hilarious? Every day I sat in the temple courts jesting, and you did not arrest me.

²³ But this has all taken place that the writings of the comics might be fulfilled.” Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.

Before the Seinhedrin

²⁴ Those who had arrested Jestus took him to Seinfellius, the high comic, where the teachers of the material and the elders had assembled. ²⁵ But Groucho followed him at a distance, wearing a fake nose and mustache, walking bent over and pretending to smoke to avoid being recognized, right up to the courtyard of the high comic. He entered and sat down with the guards to see the outcome.

²⁶ The chief comics and the whole Seinhedrin were looking for false evidence against Jestus so that they could put him to death. ²⁷ But they did not find any false evidence, only false noses.

²⁸ Finally two accusers came forward ²⁹ and declared, “This fellow said, ‘I will bring down the temple with my humor.’”

³⁰ Then the high comic stood up and said to Jestus, “Are you not going to answer? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?” ³¹ But Jestus remained silent.

³² The high comic said to him, “I charge you under oath by the hilarious God: Tell us if you are the Comic, the Son of Silliness.”

³³ “Na na na na na!” Jestus replied. “But I say to all of you: In the future you will see the Son of Silliness sitting on the gas cushion of the Zany One and waving a rubber chicken through the clouds of heaven.”

³⁴ Then the high comic tore his clothes and said, “He has spoken blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? Look, now you have heard the blasphemy. ³⁵ What do you think?”

³⁶ “We think you need to calm down before you have a stroke.” they answered.

³⁷ Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Others slapped him ³⁸ and then they did the same to Jestus saying, “Joke about that, Comic. Find some humor in it!”

Groucho Disowns Jestus

³⁹ Now Groucho was sitting out in the courtyard, and a servant girl came to him. “You also were with Jestus of Galilee,” she said.

⁴⁰ But he replied, “Why, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” and denied it before them all. “You people have been drinking much wine.” he said.

⁴¹ Then he went out to the gateway, where another girl saw him and said to the people there, “This fellow was being funny with Jestus of Nob.”

⁴² He denied it again, with an oath: “I was not! I do not even know one joke!”

⁴³ After a little while, those standing there went up to Groucho and said, “Surely, you are one of them, for your fake nose gives you away.” He had forgotten to remove it and so he pulled off the nose and threw it to the ground, trampling it under his feet.

⁴⁴ Then he began to call down curses on himself and he swore to them, “I do not know the man! And don’t call me Shirley!”

⁴⁵ Immediately he passed gas. ⁴⁶ Then Groucho remembered the word Jestus had spoken: “Before you pass gas, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.

Skipper Hangs Himself

18 Early in the morning, all the chief comics and the elders of the people came to the decision to put Jestus to death. ² They bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate, the governor.

³ When Skipper, who had booed and heckled him, saw that Jestus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and tore his contract in two in front of the chief comics and the elders. ⁴ “I have been a baaaaaaaaaaaaad boy!” he said, “For I have betrayed a very funny man.”

“What is that to us?” they replied. “That is your tough luck.”

⁵ So Skipper threw the contract in their faces, stuck out his tongue and told one final joke. He jested mightily saying, “Why did the chicken get barred from the temple?” The chief comics and elders looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. “Because it had a fowl mouth!” Then the chief comics and elders fell down rolling with laughter. Then Skipper went away and hanged himself.

⁶ The chief comics recovered and picked up the pieces of the contract and said, “It is a shame. He was just started to get his timing down.”

Jestus Before Pilate

⁷ Meanwhile Jestus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, “Are you the king of the comics?”

⁸ “That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Jestus replied and he did stick out his tongue and make a sputtering sound.

⁹ When he was accused by the chief comics and the elders, he gave no answer but shook his rubber chicken in their direction. ¹⁰ Then Pilate asked him, “Don’t you hear the – take off that silly nose and mustache! Don’t you hear the testimony they are bringing against you?” ¹¹ But Jestus made no reply and would not remove his fake nose — to the great amazement of the governor.

¹² Now it was the governor’s custom at the Feast to release a comedian chosen by the crowd. ¹³ At that time they had a vulgar comedian called Andrew Barabbas Clay who had been arrested for obscene jokes. ¹⁴ So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, “Which comedian do you want me to release to you: Clay, or Jestus who is called Comic?” ¹⁵ For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Jestus over to him.

¹⁶ While Pilate was sitting on the judge’s seat, his wife sent him this message: “Don’t have anything to do with that funny man, for I have suffered a great deal of gas pains today because of him.”

¹⁷ But the chief comics and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Clay and to have Jestus executed.

¹⁸ “Which of these two clowns do you want me to release to you?” asked the governor.

“Clay!” they answered.

¹⁹ “What shall I do, then, with Jestus who is called Comic?” Pilate asked.

They all answered, “Crucify him!”

²⁰ “Why? He is very funny!” said Pilate.

But they shouted all the louder, “Crucify him!”

²¹ When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” he said. “It is your responsibility!”

²² All the people answered, “Let his blood be on us and on our children and on our chickens!”

²³ Then he released Clay to them. But he had Jestus pounded with rotten tomatoes and eggs, and handed him over to be crucified.

The Soldiers Heckle Jestus

²⁴ Then the governor’s soldiers took Jestus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. ²⁵ They stripped him, removed his fake nose and put a polka dot robe on him, ²⁶ and then twisted together a nose of thorns and set it on his nose. They put a dead rat in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. “Hail, king of the comics!” they said. “Make us laugh! We are ready for some good humor.”

²⁷ They spit on him, heckled him, threw tomatoes at him and took the rat and struck him on the head again and again. Then, they hit him in the face with several pies. ²⁸ After they had removed his dignity in this way, they took off the robe and put his fake nose back on. Then they led him away nude to crucify him.

The Crucifixion

²⁹ As they led him away, they seized Curly from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and made him dance a silly dance in front of Jestus. ³⁰ A large number of people followed him, including women who mourned and wailed for him. ³¹ Jestus, still wearing only his fake nose and mustache, turned and said to them, “Knock knock.” One of the women asked, “How can he joke at such a time as this?” Then another woman rebuked her saying, “Have you no reverence? He is the Comic.”

³² Two other men, both comics, were also led out with him to be executed. ³³ When they came to the place called the Grotto, there they crucified him, along with the other comics—one on his right, the other on his left. ³⁴ Jestus said, “Father, forgive them, for this is definitely not funny.” And having confiscated his entire repertoire of jokes consisting of 144 scrolls, they divided up his jokes by casting lots.

³⁵ The people stood and hurled all types of produce trying to hit Jestus in the face, and the rulers even heckled him. They said, “He humored others; let him tickle himself if he is the Comic of God, the Funny One.”

³⁶ The soldiers also came up and heckled him. They told old worn out jokes of the high comic Seinfellius ³⁷ and said, “If you are the king of the comics, beat that!” But Jestus remained silent.

³⁸ There was a written notice above him, which read: THIS IS THE KING OF THE COMICS.

³⁹ One of the comedians who hung there hurled insults at him: “Aren’t you the Comic? Entertain yourself and us! Why do you wear a fake nose and mustache?”

⁴⁰ But the other comedian rebuked him. “Put a sock in it! Don’t you fear God,” he said, “since you are under the same sentence? ⁴¹ We are punished justly, for we told very tasteless jokes. But this man was truly funny.”

⁴² Then he said, “Jestus, remember me when you wave your chicken in your kingdom.”

⁴³ Jestus answered him, “I tell you the truth, today you will wear a fake nose with me in paradise.”

The Death of Jestus

⁴⁴ From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁵ About the ninth hour Jestus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani!”—which means, “My God, my God, this hurts like hell!”

⁴⁶ When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “He’s calling Berle.”

⁴⁷ Immediately one of them ran and got his rubber chicken, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jestus to see. ⁴⁸ The rest said, “Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Burle comes to save him.”

⁴⁹ And when Jestus had cried out again with a loud laugh, he gave up his spirit.

⁵⁰ At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom and the sound of it was like someone passing gas. The earth shook and the rocks split. ⁵¹ The tombs broke open and the bodies of many funny people who had died were raised to life.

⁵² They came out of the tombs, and after Jestus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and told many clever one-liners.

⁵³ When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jestus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely, he was the Son of Silliness!” Then another centurion said, “Yes, but do not call me Shirley.”

⁵⁴ Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jestus from Galilee to watch his shows. ⁵⁵ Among them were Mary Magdalene, Margaret the mother of Chico and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee’s sons.

The Burial of Jestus

⁵⁶ As evening approached, there came a fragrant man from Aromathea, named Joseph, who had himself become a disciple of Jestus. ⁵⁷ Going to Pilate, he asked for Jestus’ body, his nose and his chicken, and Pilate ordered that they be given to him. ⁵⁸ Joseph took them, wrapped them in a clean linen cloth, ⁵⁹ and placed them in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away. ⁶⁰ Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb.

The Guard at the Tomb

⁶¹ The next day, the one after Preparation Day, the chief comics and the Solemites went to Pilate. ⁶² “Sir,” they said, “we remember that while he was still alive that serious imposter said, ‘After three days I will rise again.’ ⁶³ So give the order for the tomb to be made secure until the third day. Otherwise, his disciples may come and steal the body and tell the people that he has been raised from the dead. This last deception will be more serious than the first.”

⁶⁴ “Pick a guard, any guard,” Pilate answered. “and go, make the tomb as secure as you know how.” ⁶⁵ So they went and made the tomb secure by putting a seal on the stone and posting the guard. Then the guard looking at the seal asked, “Would not a dolphin be better?”

The Resurrection

19 After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

² There was a violent earthquake, for a comic of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. ³ His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. ⁴ The guards were so afraid of him that they passed gas.

⁵ The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jestus, who was crucified. ⁶ He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. ⁷ Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now scram.”

⁸ So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. ⁹ Suddenly Jestus met them. “Guess who!” he said. They came to him, clasped his rubber chicken by the neck and laughed with him. ¹⁰ Then Jestus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

The Guards’ Report

¹¹ While the women were on their way, some of the guards went into the city and reported to the chief comics everything that had happened. ¹² When the chief comics had met with the elders and devised a plan, they gave the soldiers a large sum of money, ¹³ telling them, “You are to say, ‘His disciples came during the night and stole him away while we were asleep.’ ¹⁴ If this report gets to the governor, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble.” ¹⁵ So the soldiers took the money and did as they were instructed. And this story has been widely circulated among the Jews to this very day.

The Humorous Commission

¹⁶ Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jestus had told them to go. ¹⁷ When they saw him, they laughed with him. ¹⁸ Then Jestus came to them and said, “All humor in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ¹⁹ Therefore take this rubber chicken and go and make comedians of all nations, humorizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit of Humor, ²⁰ and teaching them to learn every joke I have taught you. And surely, I am witty always, even to the very end of time.”

²⁰ “Yes,” Groucho said, “but do not call me Shirley!”

The End